Well, someone around has to start acting normal

We have a new boss at the Wub, and frankly its a little disconcerting. So far New Guy is a tough read. I am already naturally disposed to paranoia, and I am told that it is not just me, so it has been pretty quiet around here lately. He's been here four days and so far we still all tiptoe. Which I believe is unfair to him. Like wearing Spanx on a first casual date: he may as well know what he's getting.

I finally elected myself to go on and ask "Are we to call you New or Mr. Guy? What is your preference? Because you may have noticed that no one has directly addressed you all week."

Which he found kind of amusing (I think). We are to call him New unless there are members standing around who would find that uppity. "Good Morning, New", but "Mr. Guy is in his office, let me see if he's available."

Fair enough.

THIS WEEKS EXCITING NEW WAY IN WHICH I AM A BADASS:
We worked out in a tornado last night!

Well, just a warning but still...

We were at the middle school and had just gotten back from our run when the sirens went off and right away the intersom came on: "All students please come inside and seek shelter". So we grabbed our handweights and went into the girls locker room for the evening. It was very nostalgic: the hallways reeked of angst and I was surrounded by girls who were tougher than me.

Next Wednesday is bring a friend to boot camp day. It would be exciting if I had a friend...at least not a LAZY SLACK ASS FRIEND YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE SMOKE-Y Mc-HUFF-N-PUFF.

How tremendously exciting!

• I have an arch-nemesis!
  
  I've decided to call him an arch nemesis because its more satisfying than him simply being an unmitigated pain in my ass.
  
  Between the time I left last night and the time I got in this morning I got seven emails from the person who arranges our monthly Speaker Series. Our STUPID, BORING, UN-SELLABLE speaker series to which no one comes because its career day for retired people and SUCKS.

Apparently the fact that no one comes to the Speaker Series is because:

• I don't personally call him every time we get a new reservation so he can personally contact them and tell them to bring a friend (also known as STALKING)
• I don't do the website right (It should be where the story about the new fitness equipment is (REALLY? on the FITNESS PAGE?) Well, then it should be on the top of the dining page (Even though tomorrow is VALENTINE'S DAY?)
• I don't send emails right (It should be the lead story on EVERYTHING! It should probably be my SIGNATURE!)
• There is no such thing as a list of members who work in banking or investments and it is a mark of how unhelpful I am that I will not start making one immediately (For an event that is in two business days.)
• I am personally "insufficiently invested in the success of this project (Because I suggested that an exciting speech from the VP of External Affairs from Atlanta Gas Light (A TICKET THAT SELLS ITSELF!) is a tough one to market.)
  
  MR. SPEAKER SERIES CAN EAT A BAG OF DICKS!!! When I answer the phone and hear his voice, or check my email and see his name (7 TIMES) or see him walking up, I literally get that feeling in my stomach like where you tip too far back in your chair and then catch yourself at the last minute. He literally makes me want to puke. And he called 5 times yesterday, emailed 7 TIMES overnight, and had called twice before lunch.
  
  Which I spent in the bar, making nice with my friendly members and making imaginary cage matches between the regulars in my head (Mr. Snowbird cut Mrs. Bridge Widow off in the parking lot: ITS ON!)

No, here I am!

Did I really miss yesterday? No, I did not.
You just didn't see me because I am so FAST!

I ran a timed mile last night in 12:52 seconds. Boot Camp! BOOTCAMP! has made me fast and mighty.

It has not necessarily made me punctual and interesting.

Hello again

Hi, wow, is it Thursday already?

THINGS THAT HAVE HAPPENED THIS WEEK:

• Everyone at work has suddenly noticed we have a website. I am covered up.
• I played pretty good poker, and had a drink bought for me.
• Discovered that Boot Camp (Boot Camp! BOOT CAMP!) is working, so now I must continue.

HIGGINS RECOMMENDS:

• Kung Fu Panda. Excellent cartoon movie, and also kind of a kick-ass kung fu movie.
• Appetite for Destruction. Found it in the CD stacks this week; that shit holds up.
• Felix Mendellsohn. Sexy as Beethoven with more strings.
• Smart Ones Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough 170 calories sundaes.

So I went out to California with my sister in November to film her appearance on Jeopardy! While she is way smarter than 85% of the people in the world, she did not win because that Punk-Ass Matt made the most counter intuitive bet I have ever seen. Good strategy, terrible person. Her Final Jeopardy question was so hard someone stood in a room full of people and offered five cash dollars and a blow job to the person who got it right, with no fear of having to follow through. I mean, my God, of course, you're just going to slap your forehead, I was gonna say Uzbehkistan! Sheez.

THINGS WE KNOW ABOUT JEOPARDY! NOW:

• They play right in a row with only a five or ten minute break, so whenever you see someone who has won three or four games, he has been playing all day.
• Alex is a nice dork who likes funny voices. Johnny Gilbert has had a little work done.
• We hate that Punk-Ass Matt.

It was fun to be with my sister in California, though. Made me feel very cosmopolitan.

Then on the way back, I had trouble with my puddle jump. Its too long a story to tell (and it still makes me mad), but they sent me to the wrong place in Hartsfield so instead of not going through security at all in Atlanta I went through a full search, like where they put you in a clear box in the middle of everybody and touch your underwire and open up every compartment in your handbag. They probably thought I was flight risk because by that point I was pale and weeping with rage. Too be honest with you, I'm still not quite over it. I was piiissssed when we got to Athens; its so for the best that my rep wasn't at the airport when I got in. Now the two carriers here are in a bitter fight to the death, so I believe they might be out of business before I can redeem the free flight I made them give me with my written apology.

So that's that story. Are you impressed that I actually posted this Thursday?

Happy Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year!

Also, Veteran's Day, Dia de la Revoulucion, World AIDS Day, Great American Smokeout, Finnish Independence Day, Boxing Day, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, The Feast of St. Mary, Coptic Christmas, Elvis's Birthday, MLK Day and Inauguration of the 44th President, all things that have happened since last we spoke.

New Year's resolution: to blog every Thursday. Also, not to stint on my research. (NOTE: Only the 43rd man to hold the job. Stupid Grover Cleveland.)

So, in the interest of giving the crowd what they want, I will allow my faithful readers to trickle back in slowly and pick the subject of next Thursday's entry:

A.) The reviews are in on the Wub Holiday Parties. Discuss.

B.) I went to California with my sister to watch her almost win at Jeopardy! and also to get screaming, weeping pissed at my charter flight to ATL. Discuss.

C.) I am in the third week of an Intensive Fitness Boot Camp (BOOT CAMP! BOOT CAMP!) Flex, hydrate and discuss.

I'm pacing myself, so I'll get to all of it eventually.

Until Next Week:

I HAVE BLOGGED, OKAY? HIGGINS DID NOT GET HIT BY A CAR, OKAY? EVERYBODY LEAVE ME ALONE NOW!

NO MORE HORRIBLE ELECTION ADS!!!

This is something we can all celebrate.

I don't know what to say about Barack Obama being elected the 44th President of the United States that will not be entirely inadequate, to both my feelings and the moment.

I am pleased. The richies over here at the Wub aren't even all that mad; not to put too fine a point on it, they merely have their panties in a bunch. But they aren't being that pissy about it. Although they would be if they could hear my internal monologue about how me and my Socialist Black Friend are coming for their monies, HAAHAHHAAHAHHAAA.

That, BTW, was a joke. None of them have any monies right now.

My only observation of the day is of all the things we were wrong about in this whole process, this is the one that really makes me happy: Scary, militant, Michelle Obama, who made him go to the horrible church and said horrible things and was really going to drag him down turns out to be warm and loving and down-to-earth and a terrific Mom and everyone loves her and she is going to be a KICKASS First Lady.

Sweeeeeeeeeet!

THIS IS A VOTER SUPRESSION TECHNIQUE!!!

Our new internet filters are hurting democracy! Our new internet filters have blocked out YouTube, which is preventing the formation of an informed electorate!

How can I know what I think about Decision 2008 if I can't see the response ad for the ad I didn't see for a senatorial race in a state that I don't live in?

Help, help, I'm being oppressed!

Oh, wait, I already voted. Step away from the internets, junkie...

Other links I could not follow this month: A picture of a haunted house (Forbidden Category: Occult) and the recipe for a Pym's cup (Forbidden Category: Alcohol/Tobacco).

I work in a Wub with four bars. I wish it was a forbidden category, especially on gameday weekends.

Evils-of-Spellcheck Update: The spell check for this blog service does not have "internet" in its dictionary.